How to Resolve Conflicts with Your Crypto Landlord

The next major trend in NFTs is to rent them out, and crypto landlords are making a killing. —Fortune

In the world of crypto-renting, tensions can sometimes arise between landlord and tenant. Here are some common disputes and ways to resolve them.

Your crypto landlord refuses to make repairs on your N.F.T.

This is one of the problems most frequently faced by crypto tenants, especially if the N.F.T. in question is just clip art of a rock or an emoji portrait of Billie Eilish. But don’t withhold the rent just yet — an annoyed crypto landlord could take retaliatory action and make your life miserable. Consider seeking mediation instead. Grimes is probably available.

Your crypto landlord doesn’t know the laws that govern crypto landlord-tenant relationships.

This is a tough one, since crypto practices vary territory to territory and were initially regulated by arms dealers laundering money. Are N.F.T.s intellectual property? Derivative works? Can we apply Schrödinger’s law to the Nyan Cat GIF? No one knows—and yet, at the same time, everyone has a hot take.

Your crypto landlord stops by unannounced.

Is your N.F.T. on the Ethereum blockchain? In that case, you can report this disturbing behavior to the High Council of the Pudgy Penguin Federation. They’ll sort him out.

Your crypto landlord has just learned that his N.F.T. portfolio will, in fact, never generate a steady income, and also that his net worth has just plummeted by three billion dollars, so he wants to raise your rent by three billion dollars.

In such cases, it can be helpful to tell your crypto landlord that things are sure to pick up, even though you and I both know that anyone in the world can screenshot and download your landlord’s investment.

Your crypto landlord wants to rent out a CryptoPunk avatar that you believe belongs to your crypto rental property.

Um, what?

Your crypto landlord thinks that he owns Mars and rides a Martian unicorn named Gucci Ghost.

Tenants have rights, but remember — so do fanciful crypto landlords. As a tenant, you should choose your battles wisely, both with your crypto landlord and also with your spinning gold skeleton gummy bear.

Your crypto landlord never told you that the property is infested with bugs, and now all of your photos are ruined.

Caveat emptor, my dude. No one told you to drop eighty-nine dollars on a fart recording.

You’d like to get a pet, but your crypto landlord has a no-pets policy.

Is it a bored nautical ape? No one likes you.

Your crypto landlord wants to store his tools in your rental.

Once “money” changes “hands,” the renter should have exclusive control over the “property,” and the concentration of scare quotes in this sentence should definitely make everyone involved question their life choices.

Your crypto landlord is Justin Bieber.

Just tell him politely that this is an Arby’s.

Your crypto landlord is being evasive about lead content.

Watching that clip of Paris Hilton and Jimmy Fallon was certainly painful, but it was also an opportunity to take stock. What is art? Is anything real? Is market value so subjective that this digital Ponzi scheme can be maintained indefinitely? These are the questions that might better help us navigate this mass-derangement event.

Your N.F.T. landlord wears a colorful caftan and is extremely sweet, but her cantankerous husband keeps trying to figure out if your male roommate is gay.

If you can just make it through the next twenty-five minutes without losing your shit, this whole episode will be over and you’ll never have to worry about crypto landlords again. At least until next Thursday, 9:30 P.M. Eastern.

Your crypto-property URL no longer exists.

Schrödinger’s Nyan Cat can probably help you with this one, but you have to find him first. Or maybe Grimes is available.